Lukaret

Ralph Darell Mateo

Every gay man's fantasy Johnron Tanada is adorable in a tight-fitting policeman's uniform, which unfortunately remains on him the entire time. Fully clothed, the hunk has never spoken so many lines in any of his previous films, and watching him in Lukaret, I realized his unsophisticated nasally accented drawl may have been a limitation elsewhere, but here he's hotter because of it.

Tanada plays a supporting role as a rookie cop investigating a series of murders in a small town, but the crimes don't happen till about halfway through the movie, after sluggish expositions about an eatery owner (Glydell Mercado) and a twink (Ralph Darell Mateo) who wandered looking for his uncle and a new life. New actor Mateo, with a cherub face and cute baby fats, flashes his butt three times, and engages in drunken lovemaking with Mercado. If this movie were made in the barako 90's, veteran sexy actress Mercado would be assigned most of the flesh baring, but expectations have changed in the gay new millennium, and nobody bats an eyelash.

None of the tame sexy attempts, though welcome, is enough to save what is essentially a one-dimensional schlock play, where acting means looking away to emphasize emotion and actors wait for each other to finish their badly written, indicating lines. The portrayal of the insane woman is so anti-feminist, it almost made me want to start a blog called "The Babae Review". Writer-Director Felino Tanada, who last year adapted the beloved play Hanggang Dito Na Lamang At Maraming Salamat only to expose its ideas about homosexuality as outdated, has made another aesthetically moldy picture. It looks like it's been shot for 80's television with a script from radio.

Billed as a "black comedy", the unfunny melodrama contains only one great comedic surprise, and it appears at the very end. To see it, you must remain seated during the credits -- that is, if you haven't already walked out by then.

GRADE: C-